Financial incompatibility is one of the leading causes for divorce.
I was super lenient on a man’s finances while I was dating in my 20’s.
When I became single again at 30 years old, I refused to take any guy seriously unless he possessed financial literacy. From the first few weeks of dating, you can assess someone’s spending habits by practicing just a bit of discernment.
Earning potential didn’t mean as much to me as his savings rate. I live in the Bay Area where 6-figure salaries are a dime a dozen, and yet, plenty of people live paycheck to paycheck.
The guys I previously dated didn’t have much interest in personal finance or investing. I was highly naive to think that as long as I had my own money, everything would sort itself out.
Not! (in Borat’s voice)
In my 20’s, I got to know and chose to continue seeing a guy who still had a negative net worth by the time the relationship ended two years later.
There were many instances where I judged his financial allocation since it didn’t align with my values. What I learned was that someone who lacks fiscal responsibility will end up squandering your money, too, if you let them.
So don’t be like me—Be better!
Funnily enough, this person had asked me to invest into his “business.” As someone who enjoys supporting and seeing my partner win, my immediate response was a resounding yes. At the same time, I asked him what my ROI would be, and to this day I still haven’t forgotten that dumbfounded look on his face.
How dare I ask for a return on my capital investment into his business that I have no legal entitlement to?
Oh, the irony.
I grew up poor and have never cared to keep up with the Joneses.
I remember the resentment that would arise in my previous relationships because I hated impulsive and wasteful spending that resulted in the stagnation of my investment portfolio. Ultimately, it came down to having different values and I finally learned my lesson after several trials.
Needless to say, I found myself happier being single without the burden of a financially irresponsible partner—it helped immensely to relieve myself of the financial stress from dampening my savings for status seeking behavior.
Stress can kill you, and financial strain is especially prevalent here where life notoriously gets more expensive.
It was all fun and games until I woke up one day hating that I’d opted in to overextending myself in order to provide and keep up with someone else’s inflated lifestyle. And forget signing up for that over the course of a lifetime.
As Ari put so eloquently:
Thank you, next.
Wanting a man who is fiscally responsible does not make you a gold digger; it means you are financially savvy and seek an equal partner to share your life with.
Life is already hard enough without bad finances in the mix.
Don’t make your life any more difficult than it has to be.
Coincidentally, my fiancé was also on his own FIRE journey when we first met. Saying that I appreciate his strong understanding of finance is an understatement.
Throughout our time together, he’s been highly receptive to my financial goals and investing strategies. We are both minimal spenders, and sharing this same value makes taking on life’s challenges so much easier.
Having grown up in a financially unstable family where the lack of money always caused dysfunction, I never thought I’d be where I am today as an adult.
I simply trusted the process by living below my means and investing the difference, and encourage you to do the same.
Additionally, I recommend doing it alone if you have to.
At any moment in time, you can always choose yourself.
Don’t allow anyone to develop a sense of entitlement to your hard-earned money.
Best wishes to you and good luck on your wealth building journey!