Ask the right questions before you relinquish it.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
As a woman who found myself back in the dating market five years ago at age 30, I set a particular rule for myself:
No officially shacking up with any guy who wasn’t going to be my fiancé/husband.
I quarantined with the guy I was dating during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic. I was still paying rent for my own place, but spent a majority of my time at his.
That experience opened my eyes to the kind of household dynamic I wanted for my future.
He wanted a partner who contributed 50% financially, but also did 90% of the housework—a contemporary income earner with a traditional homemaker mindset.
Hard pass.
Looking back, I have ascertained that a 50/50 man can love you, but what he loves more are the things that you’re able and willing to provide.
Quarantining resulted in the relationship lasting longer than it should have. I imagine that’s likely how it also works for couples who actually fully live together.
I was so thankful I still had my own place at the time we broke up as it surely simplified the process.
If you are dating someone you think you want to marry, it’s beneficial to continue having your own place.
I believe that women do themselves a huge disservice when they give up their own living space to move in with a man who hasn’t expressed his desire to marry her.
For a lot of us, moving in together is the next step towards marriage. Or so we think.
“But rent is so expensive these days.”
If you want to save money on rent, I recommend moving in with a girlfriend instead.
I moved in with JT ten months after we met.
Neither JT nor I had formally shared a home with a partner before. At the beginning of dating, we both expressed having no intention of doing so unless an engagement has been discussed.
When we first met, he was living with a housemate but eventually moved out into his own place.
As our connection grew, we entertained the idea of getting engaged, and that led to our getting a dog together. I had been spending every night at his new place for three months when he suggested that I move in.
Right off the bat, I let him know I didn’t feel comfortable with paying for a lease that didn’t have my name on it. I was still content with paying for my apartment even though I hardly spent time at home, and didn’t mind continuing keeping that arrangement.
JT acknowledged that whether I lived with him or not, he would still be paying the same amount regardless. He told me I could essentially move in and live rent-free, if I wanted to.
And so I did.
That was a key indicator for me that he genuinely wanted to spend his time with me—wanting purely my company, not someone to split living expenses with so that he could save money.
I suppose that had jumpstarted the ring shopping because we were engaged five months later. We’ve since moved into a new place that has both of our names on the lease agreement.
Personally, I’m of the camp where cohabitating greatly benefits a man. He doesn’t choose to participate with any malicious intent, but it is your responsibility to practice discernment and find out what his intentions are with you.
If you are a woman seeking marriage, you must have this conversation with your partner before moving in with him.
Today, more women are financially independent than ever. Yet, we still carry a majority of the mental and physical load within the household while expected to equally contribute to living expenses. As a dog mom, I feel the weight of it with Kenzo’s vet appointments, monthly meds, grooming, food supply, etc.
Can you imagine what it would be like with a human dependent in the house? But I digress.
If you and your partner live together, you inevitably grant him access to your assets without his needing to fully commit to you.
In the past, I offered to help an ex pay off his student loans, and words cannot express how relieved I am that I didn’t go through with it before the relationship ended.
Only now do I see that as something a wife should do, since marriage is two people becoming one single economic unit.
JT uses my Tesla and honestly, I wouldn’t allow a mere boyfriend to freely drive my car today.
I previously devoted too much of my resources to the guys I was dating. In hindsight, I normalized sharing my assets with a man simply because he was my boyfriend.
By the time I met JT, there was no making the same mistake again.
Having been overly generous, I finally learned to set healthy boundaries to protect my own best interest.
If you’re a woman whose end goal is getting married, I encourage you to maintain your independence not only financially, but spatially as well.
Advocate for yourself on your dating journey as you look for your life partner.
It will set the tone for the foundation of your relationship and future marriage to that person.
Good luck!